Humans Leading

Build Your Resilience Toolkit: 7 Strategies to Navigate Hard Days

• Dr. Jillian Bybee • Season 2 • Episode 1

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Ever felt like you're drowning in the overwhelm of modern life? 

You're not alone. After navigating leadership transitions and the unexpected death of her father, Dr. Jillian Bybee returns for Season 2 with a powerful toolkit for those days when everything feels like too much.

These 7 strategies won't save you from hard times, but they will carry you through more easily.

In this episode, Dr. Bybee discusses:

  • 7 tools to help you through hard days
  • Common misconceptions about resilience
  • Humans Leading Substack
  • Brene’ Brown’s The Gifts of Imperfection
  • Dr. Beth Kurland's "You Don’t Have to Change to Change Everything" 
  • Worry Lines 
  • “Worry journaling”
  • “Meh-mindfulness”

Join me for more over on social media:


If you’re ready to kickstart your journey (or your team's journey) to a less stressed life, I’m ready to help you! You can get in touch about 1:1 coaching or inviting me to facilitate a workshop for your group, get in touch via my website.

Speaker 1:

Hello and welcome to Humans Leading, a podcast aimed at restoring the well-being and joy of high achievers who have burned out on their way to success. I'm Dr Jillian Bybee, a pediatric critical care medicine physician, medical educator, coach and leader in well-being and professional development. I use my personal experience with burnout recovery to help others do the same. This podcast is for anyone looking to move beyond hustle culture in order to find true fulfillment and well-being. In each episode, I share practical solutions on a variety of topics, including limiting beliefs, stress management, leadership, well-being and more. If you're looking to feel less stuck and redefine what a successful life looks like for you, this is your podcast. Come join me. Hello and welcome back to the Humans Leading Podcast, where we talk about all the ways that we can learn to live less stressed, more satisfying lives. If you are just joining me, I'm Dr Jillian Bybee, a pediatric ICU physician, toddler, mom, certified coach and creative who loves to help ambitious women get out of the cycle of overwhelm and learn to live the life that they truly want. If you're a regular listener here, you may have noticed that we've been on a very extended and very unplanned break. As so often happens, life got in the way last fall, as I tried to juggle all of my responsibilities, including two leadership positions. Now, I'm happy to say, I just have one. And then, just before Christmas, my dad died unexpectedly. I've spent the months since his death trying to figure out what life looks like now, tending to myself and my family and really just trying to keep the wheels on the bus. But I'm happy to say that I'm starting to see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel and I'm really excited to be back with you here on the podcast. I know from talking to many of you and many of my coaching clients that, no matter what your life circumstances right now, you might be feeling some degree of overwhelm. The world is a lot to navigate and we really weren't meant to be experiencing this level of stress all the time. So I thought it was only fitting to start this season of humans leading with my toolkit for hard days.

Speaker 1:

These are seven strategies I use on a regular basis to keep me going through difficult seasons of work and life, and really I've used every one of them basically every day since my dad died. These tools aren't about fixing your life or eliminating hard times. They're about giving yourself small anchors when you feel off track, stressed, you happen to be grieving, like me, or you're just low on motivation. I hope that at least one of these tools is helpful to you and encourages you to think about your own practices to help you when things are not going as well as you would like, if you're able to. It's really helpful to think about your own practices to help you when things are not going as well as you would like, if you're able to. It's really helpful to think about what helps you and start to use them before the hard times happen. So have things in your toolkit before the hard times happen, as they so inevitably will. That way, you'll have them to fall back on when life inevitably gets lifey.

Speaker 1:

Before we dig into those seven tools, I really just want to stop to acknowledge again that, no matter who you are, where you're living, what your life circumstances, it's really hard to be a person living in the world right now, and most of the people that I talk to and me myself have felt exhausted recently. There's a ton happening in the world, including injustice, unfairness, natural disasters, and we really weren't meant to be taking in this kind of information on a daily basis. And not only are we taking in this information every day, but we're also experiencing the things in our own lives. For me, that was the loss of my father and changes in my life circumstances and my leadership roles, and that's really left me feeling drained. But I've been really glad to have these tools to fall back on. We'll get into those in a minute, but I wanted to make sure that I also make one thing clear. I think that we have a misunderstanding about resilience in this country and in this culture.

Speaker 1:

A lot of people think that resilience means that you're able to cope with and navigate adversity without experiencing it. So you're able to experience some hardship and just come out on the other side feeling as good as you did when you went in. I don't think this is true. I think resilience is the ability to cope with and navigate adversity, but it doesn't mean that you're not affected by the adverse experience. It may mean that you experience growth after the experience is over, but we can get beat up by the things that we experience and in medicine we know this from data even the most resilient physicians experience burnout. So you can be very resilient and also be beat up by the things that you're experiencing.

Speaker 1:

Another misconception we have about resilience is that we have to do things by ourselves. So if we're a resilient person, it must mean that we're able to do things by ourselves. We don't need help from anybody. But, as Brene Brown outlines in the Gifts of Imperfection, one of the factors associated with being resilient is the ability to seek help. I've sought help during this time. I'm seeing a therapist now to continue to talk about my grief, and seeking help in order to keep going is something associated with resilience. It doesn't mean that we're not resilient. So, with those few caveats out of the way, I hope that you, as a resilient person, can understand how these tools can help you in your life.

Speaker 1:

And now we'll dig into the toolkit. As I mentioned, there are seven of them. They might not all be right for you right now, but hopefully at least one or two of them will stick out to you. So the first one is write it down. I've mentioned on here before that I have a Substack newsletter called Humans Leading, just like this podcast, which is where I share some of my thoughts. But I also have a journal and I use something called worry journaling to help me get out of the cycle of anxiety. Here's how you do it when I find myself spinning in anxious thoughts or worry, I grab something and I write it down. If I don't have something to write it down on, I might talk into my notes app or leave myself a voice note, and then I set myself a timer and write or speak everything that I'm worried about or angry about or sad about. Don't judge what comes up or filter yourself. Just write when the timer goes off, stop then, put your pen down and notice how you feel. You don't have to do anything after that. You don't have to read or listen to what you wrote or spoke. You just notice how you feel, and if I had to take a guess, you'd feel a little bit better than you did before you started, and then I'd recommend that you consider choosing something from the next categories to make yourself feel even better.

Speaker 1:

Number two on the list is to use your dopamine menu. Dopamine is a feel-good hormone, and so it's really one of the things that can make us feel better in the moment when we're not feeling so good. So a dopamine menu is just that it's a list of things that makes you feel good or brings you comfort, picks you up when you're feeling down. Make a list of these things, before you need them, that you can do to take care of yourself when you're not feeling your best. Some examples of this could be a kitchen dance party, which is something I like to do with my toddler son. This could also include other ways to move your body that feel good. You could laugh, have a little treat, watch a favorite show, make something creative, etc. Do something that doesn't have to be big, that brings you a little bit of joy, makes you feel good in the moment. What I'd really like you to think about right now maybe you could journal about this after the episode is what's on your dopamine menu? What makes you feel good? What are those little things that you do that leave you feeling better? Write those things down and have them accessible to you when you're having a hard time so that you can use them when the time comes.

Speaker 1:

Number three on the list is to move your body. That was on the dopamine list for me as well, but really it's its own category, because moving your body can feel good. It doesn't have to be about beating yourself up with high intensity exercise. You don't have to do it a certain way or get a certain number of steps. It can just feel good to move your body, to stretch, to walk around, to do a few jumping jacks, whatever makes you feel good in the moment. Do the thing and that's it. You've checked it off your list. You've used number three on the toolkit.

Speaker 1:

Number four is also pretty simple, but not always easy for people, and that's to connect. As I mentioned a few minutes ago, a lot of people have a misconception about resilience. They think that it means doing it by themselves. But this number four is to remind you that we can't do life alone. We're meant to connect with other people. We're actually happier when we connect with other people who support us, and so this is your reminder that when you're having a hard time, you should reach out to a friend, colleague, mental health professional to help you process or just feel seen For work-related distress. A mentor of mine uses the three-day rule, so if she's still thinking about something related to work for more than three days, she knows that it's time to talk to someone about it. You could use this for your life as well. If you have something that was distressing to you, you're still thinking about it after three days or you're still having a hard time. That could be a sign to you that you need to reach out to somebody. A lot of workplaces have an employee assistance program. I'm really happy to say that my own organization does so. If you have this at your disposal, I highly recommend that you use it. It's not a weakness to be using mental health services, as I mentioned. It's the thing that makes you resilient to be able to ask for help, accept and get the help and then move on.

Speaker 1:

Number five is to feel your feelings. Resilient people try to feel the feelings. Staying mindful about numbing behaviors, staying in it, trying to lean into the discomfort of heart. Emotion and, as one of my favorite comics, worry lines likes to remind me you can't think yourself out of your feelings. You have to actually feel them, and this can be hard. So often we'll turn to numbing behaviors instead. So we'll scroll on our phones, maybe we'll drink alcohol, we'll gossip. What are some of the ways that you numb when life gets hard or when difficult emotions arise? What are your patterns around that it's normal to have these numbing behaviors, but it's not so normal to stay in them. They can be adaptive in the moment and give us a little break from the emotions that we're experiencing. But really a more healthy way is to feel the things that we're feeling, to process them with someone as I mentioned, a therapist or someone else and then to move on from them. Another way that we can process our feelings or to make ourselves feel grounded when emotions get overwhelming is called the ABC technique, and this comes from the book you Don't have to Change to Change Everything by Dr Beth Kurland.

Speaker 1:

A is just acknowledge, accept or allow. So try saying I noticed that X is coming up, so I noticed that anxiety, fear, anger is coming up. And B is to bring the nervous system into balance. And the easiest way to do that with some mindful breathing. You can just focus on your breath, notice the breath going in and out. You could do something called four, seven, eight breathing, which is you breathe in for four seconds, you hold for seven seconds and you breathe out for eight seconds. The reason that this is helpful is, anytime you lengthen your exhale to be even longer than your inhale than it normally is, you're activating the part of your nervous system called the vagus nerve that acts like the brake for your nervous system. So if you're a car, the gas pedal is your sympathetic nervous system. It's all revved up from one of these feelings.

Speaker 1:

What you need to do is intentionally apply, through the break through breathing, which is the tool that you always have available to you, to bring that nervous system back into balance. And then the C of ABC is just C, which I think is a little bit of a creative liberty. But what can I say? So C, what is needed right now that you're more regulated. So what do I actually need right now is one of the most powerful questions we can ask ourselves. After you've taken that mindful breath or a few breaths, ask yourself what do I really need? Maybe it's something from your dopamine menu, maybe it's help from somebody, maybe it's a nap, I don't know, but whatever it is, see what you need. And then I like to add D, which is do the thing. So don't just see what you need, actually do the thing, because we have to do things differently in order to have a different experience.

Speaker 1:

Number six on the list, and one of the harder ones for some people to do, is disconnect. So this category is reminding you to get off social media, stop watching the news, stop engaging with the things that are giving you more distress than you already have, making you angry, etc. Disconnect from those things and go, do something analog. Get away from your screens, go outside, take some deep breaths, move your body, do something that actually allows you to process the things that you're experiencing and doesn't add more stress, anxiety or grief to you During that time. You can also practice number seven, which is micro mindfulness. So micro mindfulness really just means a small moment of mindfulness, and mindfulness doesn't have to be meditation, though it can. I've been meditating for eight years and highly recommend it. I'd love to talk to you about that if it's of interest to you.

Speaker 1:

But mindfulness really just means paying attention to what's happening in the present moment on purpose, without judgment, and to do a micro-mind mindfulness moment. When you start feeling frazzled, just take a moment to pause and reset, close your eyes, take three deep breaths and remind yourself that you have the ability to handle what comes your way, because you've already handled everything that has happened in your life so far. You're currently handling what is happening in your life so far. You're just having a reaction to what's happening. That's perfectly natural, because you're a human being and sometimes we need to reset.

Speaker 1:

That being said, it can be really hard to be mindful or to take those moments to pause when you're just feeling down. When I was feeling down, I didn't want to stop and sit in it because I was worried that I was going to be consumed by it. I didn't want to stop and sit in it because I was worried that I was going to be consumed by it and certainly I wasn't able to think of things on a regular basis that I was grateful for. So I developed something called meh mindfulness. Meh mindfulness is when things are really hard. Just try noticing what is not terrible at that moment. So, as I mentioned, when I was in the throes of grief, it was really hard for me to be grateful, but sometimes it was easier to think about what wasn't terrible. Often what wasn't terrible is that someone had brought me some food, or that I had a cup of coffee, or that I was drinking some water, or that, you know, whatever had happened to me, that wasn't terrible, and so I was able to be appreciative in those moments, just of small things without having to make a big deal about it, and I find that this has been really helpful for a lot of other people too.

Speaker 1:

When things are not going the way that you would want. You don't have to look for the bright, shiny object. You don't have to look for the silver lining, you don't have to just be grateful that you're not dead and you're, you know you're still on the planet. You can just think about what is not going terribly in my life right now and that's it. That's the toolkit.

Speaker 1:

The seven strategies again are one write it down. Two use your dopamine menu. Three move your body. Four connect. Five feel your feelings. Six disconnect and seven practice micro-mindfulness. I hope at least one of these has been helpful to you and now that we've gone through the tools, I'd love you to reflect on which one felt most comforting or needed in your life right now. There's no perfect way to cope or deal with your situation. It's really about giving yourself permission to pause, reset and ask for what you need.

Speaker 1:

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this episode and what tool you're planning on using. You can do that by coming over to my sub stack, humans Leading, which I'll link in the show notes. As I mentioned, that's just my blog platform and I love meeting listeners and readers there. Thank you for being here for the first episode of season two and, if you're a regular listener. Thanks for your patience during this break.

Speaker 1:

It's been really important for me to take time for myself, and I hope you're able to take some time for yourself, too, and also build your toolkit so that these things are available to you when you need them. I would love it if you would subscribe on whichever app you're using, so that you don't miss any of our upcoming episodes, which include a lot of great guests and then some other bite sized episodes, because I know this audience is full of busy people. Feel free to share this episode with a friend who might be having a tough day Then. I just want to close with a reminder to you Experiencing hard things in your life doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong. As one of my favorite meditation teachers, sharon Salzberg, says, some things just hurt, and maybe the time of life that you're in right now just hurts, but I hope these tools can be some comfort to you and that they bring you a bit of brightness to your days. I'll see you next time.

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Dr. Jillian Bybee

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